Too late for forgiveness.
My brother Scott and chuck.
Too late for forgiveness.
Second brother put into the cold earth.
Death by their own hands.
Left many to swim in bad decisions and not enough kind words.
The things I believed in.
Became useless and not fruitful anymore.
Words said without thoughts or kindness.
Left my soul in blackness.
I wished too late to take back words that degrade a life of a brother.
I learn the important things we must believe are simple and plain.
I learn we must rise and fall. Cry and laugh. Beg and demand.
I chisel my brother names into an old Oak tree.
I asked the Spirit of life and death to forgive me for being a bastard instead of a friend.
Silence and loneliness left me be to the solitude of pen and paper.
I learn we are all mortals.
Too blind to see beyond our own glory.
Till names of the dead are carved in your chest.
Today I remember two strong boys who showed no fear.
The hidden demons no-one saw.
Took them to a rope and no goodbye.
Their death made me more gentle in action and in words.
The dream of wealth became less needed.
Now I offer an open door to friends and family.
I will listen to someone who is struggling and try to help.
I don’t believe you can be forgiven.
Lonely graves of two scared boys are permanent scars on a mind and heart.
No-one cared that they saw death more sweet than life.
I wished I’d listen to a wise grandfather.
“Nothing good to say. Say nothing. Negative words and actions can
caused permanent damage.”
Better to be a friend then be standing by a casket saying a final goodbye.
Coyote’
John, your self-study will continue to serve your evolution as a human being. Have you ever read The Art of Happiness by the Dali Llama? He offers extraordinary tools for delving deeper into our own self reflection, I think you might like it. You can download it as a podcast or e-book as well. Namaste!
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Yes many times in my life. One of my 1000 books above me. It is use for business also. Many companies used the logic of ancient China today.
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No doubt, there are a number of us who understand. It didn’t matter that a battery of doctor’s couldn’t save my daughter, I was her mother and I failed to keep her alive. With work and time, there is some peace.
Thank you for sharing your pain. You will have helped many by doing so even if you never know it. Bon courage!
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Thank you for the comment. Too much pain sometimes. I had to learn to live for the future. Ain’t a easy task to learn.
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John it was hard to like this, in the end my like was because the writing was so powerful and so heart-wrenching. Your losses are so deep, but not on your soul, your losses yes because they are your brothers but not marks on your soul not yours; I hope you have come to know this.
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My brother’s were my teachers. Can’t live for wealth and glory. Need to live for love and kindness. I appreciate your kind words. Their death taught me to have fun and spend time with the people you love.
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I am feeling caught between emotions. I understand these losses happened in the past, yet they stay in the present. I hear they taught you to take a better road. For that I am grateful Yet the magnitude of the losses brings me to ways the past continues to influence young people in our present. Words cannot possibly convey the intensity of feeling. Thank you for this powerful demanding poem.
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am so sorry for your loss. it cant be easy. true, it all boils down to the simple things in life. i almost chose death too one time- but i got a alternative and took it. a life on my own terms- that’s what gave me reason to live. i guess people sometimes feel like they are trapped to what the world thinks they should want, or feel or do and that’s so wrong! “not all of us want great wealth and success”, some of us just want some happiness. am glad you take your pain and turn it into honey by becoming more sensitive to others. the worlds needs more of people like you.
thanks for sharing.
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I was like most people. I learn the hard way to be kind. Thank you for the kind words.
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Hi John, just want to say your poem and the story of your brothers has moved me. Pain lives deep and if you are a kinder person as a result at least something good has come of it. You’re right that we should think first and try our best to be kind to one another. It’s a little enough thing to ask and could make all the difference. Thank you for the poem.
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Their death left me with decisions. I decided better to enjoy my life and family. People who live for work and wrong things. Find dead-ends roads. Thank you the comment. I do appreciate.
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Time is not measured by numbers. Those years you mention are only yesterday. Your words speak truth that only you know what to say. Suicide is no ones fault. If they meant to do this you could not have said any words or shown any feeling differently that would have stopped them. I feel for your pain. It will always be inside of you. This is not the kind of wound that leaves you. It may get buried at times but it will always surface when you least expect the trigger to come along that speaks to the words of your brothers leaving this place and going to the beyond. They are hopefully in a peaceful rest. Where their pain has been taken from them. You express your words about them so strongly that I feel they can travel far enough so that your brothers will hear what you have written and feel about them and how you wished you were different. I don’t think they feel you could have been anything other than yourself. I don’t feel there is any blame in their hearts toward you at all. Just feel love and forgiveness for them and for yourself. I am sorry you have to go through this. I know how memories live with us and in us and beside us. And they show their faces at the saddest times and the oddest times. Be good to yourself, Thank you for sharing this with us all. It is courageous to open these memories up to the world. It tells your brothers story as well as your own. Bless you John Coyote. J.K. the secret keeper ps. You are filled with goodness.
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I quit my job and went to war to forget my brothers. I was wise. I travel the world for 15 years with the Army. Their death make me kinder and appreciate life. I learn to keep quiet when nothing good to say. Love and kindness must be part of us. I appreciate your comment. Time can heal all wounds but they are part of us forever.
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No words can nor any action does, bring back those who have left us, without any reason death do take our beloved ones, but when they commit suicide..we ponder deep..did we kill them to sleep.Did we remain inactive and aloof, were we never close and warm in words and actions. Want to tell them now, we must then go their graves and tell them that we care, we must do good deeds in their name, some gifts send from us may remain.They may not reply , but we can do a little for them..not to be forgiven but to be remembered as a loving heart, that will love them here as long as it beats.
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This is a powerful piece of writing. Thank you so much for sharing – it really makes me think about life and everything.
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Sometime we expect too much. Good to slow down and have some fun. If I could go back in time. My words would be kind and I would have done more things with my two brothers. Life is simple. Have fun and be kind. Thank you for the comment.
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Hey there 🙂 I have goosebumps reading your words, my heart goes out to all the lives your brothers touched and will continue to touch transcending death. I was reminded of a song, “We Live” there is a part of the song that says, “We live, we love, we forgive and never give up” Now with a heart like yours in the world, the ones who will experience your being and understanding, rooted from pain of such a precious loss of two lives, will have more force inside themselves to …”never give up”. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt part of your life… your sharing has enriched my heart.
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I don’t believe you should hold yourself in any way responsible. When I was in grade 11 I almost took my life. It wasn’t about anyone else…it was about a profound sadness and inability to cope during a family breakup. To this day my parents don’t know about it. I backed out, tore up the note and ended up moving out of a stressful home, instead. I so much agree that we must be less demanding of others. We must also be kind to ourselves. I am sorry about your loss.
Blessings ~ Wendy
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I’m sorry. The hardest things in our lives shape us the most. Hopefully for the better. Thank-you for your feelings and honesty.
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Some things do change a life for the better. It is sad we must learn the hard way. Thank you for the comment.
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Powerful and thought provoking, as always. And sad…. the kind of sadness that shapes ones life.
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Most of us learn too late. Family is important. Thank you for the comment.
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Ouch. Forgive, but don’t forget.
My best,
~kp
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Be kind to yourself, johncoyote. I am sure your brothers knew your kindness as well as your brotherly banter and teasing.
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Thank you for the comment. This is old thoughts. Brothers killed themselves in 1987-1988. They stayed on my mind. Made me change my way. I believe we must be less demanding of some people. Not all of us want great wealth and success.
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